Hard Truths...

“Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness.”
- Jean Vanier


I have weakness. And lots of it. And throughout my new juicing lifestyle, I've discovered just how much of it I have. 


Today I complete my 28th day of juicing. After 10 days of vacation (and a few cheats along those 10 days to try foods I've never had in places I've never been) I have only gained 1 pound from where I was when I left from vacation. Total to date I have lost 16 pounds. 


And I am disappointed. 


I shouldn't be. My logical side tells me I've done a fabulous job to this point. That there are people who would kill to loose 16 pounds in less than a month. I should be celebrating my victories (and I do somewhat). But mostly, instead...I see how much further I have to go...and I feel so overwhelmed. And dare I say, defeated that I've allowed myself to get to where I am. I am a master at self loathing. And through this change in my lifestyle of eating, I have begun to recognize the depths of that self loathing. It's a bit scary...and very sad. 


I can see how I see myself affects my relationships. I withdraw, turn away, and automatically assume everyone else is thinking the things about me that I'm thinking about me...even the ones who love me most in the world...they are still clouded by my own thoughts and insecurities. 


It's disgusting what I'm doing. 


But I'm not sure how to stop.


I really long to be one of those people who bubble over (inside and out) with self confidence and approval. And I know part of the answer to that will be found in the results of what I'm doing currently. I'm just too impatient for my own good. I think, "16 pounds?! That's it?! You should have lost double that by now!!" SO DUMB to think that!!!! I know....but that's what I think. I worry that the reason someone gets mad at me is because of how I look...that I just irritate them automatically when they see me. Really, that's just what happens when I see me. I don't see my talents or my abilities or how I treat others or how I love people...I just see ugly and fat. And that is a truth that has haunted me since I was young. I hate that. And I want it to change. 


I guess the point of this post is honesty. I have to get honest with myself about my habits, my thoughts (negative and positive), and the destructive ways I contribute to every relationship I have. It's hard. And it hurts. And it's really no fun at all. But it's time. God help me. 


28 days under my belt. I've gone grocery shopping tonight and refilled our fridge with good fruits and veggies. I will starting praising myself for my hard work and stop punishing myself for everything else....


Till next time...
-M-